I Date Myself So You Don’t Have To. Not actually dating, however, I have been known to pull out all the stops, complete with make-up and lip gloss, and wear a cute outfit only to run errands. In an offbeat way, I guess that is like dating myself. However, the dating I am talking about is when you cannot help but reference things from the past, which serves only to further fossilize your existence.
CASE IN POINT
The 80s hair bands I cannot seem to not mention. Why is this? Because those were the days! See, there I go again with a cliché saying. But it’s true. The music of your teen years is the music you identify with whether you want to or not. One day you’re in high school + the world is your oyster.
The next day you find yourself in a random, privately owned grocery store desperately trying to figure out what to cook for supper, singing or humming along to the music being pumped over the speakers. Suddenly you realize the song is one you would know in your sleep. It’s from your high school days. A smile spread across your face until the DJ breaks the news: you are listening to the local CLASSIC ROCK station. WTH!!!!!!!! There is nothing classic about it in your head. 1990 was just ten years or so ago + well…..*sigh.
YES, I WROTE ABOUT ROTARY PHONES
Writing a blog post about rotary phones is another sure fire way to date your ass. Guilty as charged. I did try to bring a modern spin to the title of the post being, Rotaries Never Butt Dialed. It wasn’t that I was particularly in love with the rotary phone or anything, in fact, it was a pain.
However, now we live in a time when we don’t know someone’s number to save our lives, we are at the mercy of chargers + outlets. All this so we can go on walking around with a mini computer in our purse/back pocket. Also, since we can do almost anything from a smartphone, including communicating with anyone in a multitude of ways, there is no real purpose of actually speaking or making eye contact with others. The mention of the rotary phone simply illustrated how much time is now spent on one’s phone than on people in close proximity.
Another way is mentioning the disdain for readers on a social media post or 12. I was never blessed with great vision, having had glasses since I was in the 1st grade. Once I got contacts it felt like a treat to be able to pick out cute sunglasses like the rest of the masses. So it goes for many years until one fine day your eye doctor says it’s not your contacts that are causing the blurriness while reading, it is your old ass eyes. FANTASTIC!
My contacts have a bifocal, but unfortunately, it needs to be stronger. I could just give up being so stubborn, but the truth is I would rather squint and otherwise contort my face in an attempt to see than to keep track of another set of glasses.
If you happen to ever get a strange text from me you now know why.
I’m not going to lie. I freaking LOVE disco music. If you ever find yourself at a nightclub with me and the DJ plays Dancing Queen by Abba dancing is mandatory. (Whether you’ve had enough liquid courage or not). If you don’t recognize the song or believe dancing not required, I would stand in utter disbelief. (What on earth are they teaching in school these days!?)
My all-time favorite disco song by far is the Bee Gee’s Stayin’ Alive. The earth stops rotating when I hear that song. If you have never heard this song then I will be sure to light a candle or 100 for you. In fact Google Bee Gee’s. I’ll wait here. A soul in limbo will keep up nights.
Now that I have ventured down this aged road, I will admit that I Googled my first musical crush. I remember taking the record with me when I stayed over at my grandparents’ house. (They didn’t have a record player). That’s love, folks. I am talking about Shaun Cassidy’s That’s Rock ‘N’ Roll.
As I type I am grinning from ear to ear, no cares in the world and thinking of the adorable light pink satin jacket I coveted. Shit, I did it again.
If you are hell bent on traveling down memory lane and doing things you revealed in decades ago, I suggest trying roller skating. When I was a kid I went all the time after school and on the weekends. Fast forward a million years and I thought it would be fun to try skating again. I was doing okay once I got my sea legs, well half-assed at best until I started paying too much attention to the kids whizzing past me. Next thing I knew, I smacked my hind-end so hard on that floor I saw stars for days.
Another highlight was trying to get into the bathroom. I never fully trusted the skate stops on the toe of the skates. Apply breaks by leaning forward onto the point of the toe??? It doesn’t particularly sound like the best idea, but neither does having to skate into a wall, using your forearms as breaks either. So it goes.
If you think about anything long enough, nothing will sound like a particularly great idea, in the scheme of things.
AIMLESSLY DRIVE AROUND
It has come to my attention that aimlessly driving around is something the children of my friends cannot comprehend. Much like a ride at a theme park that only lights up if someone peddles, not that I have any idea what that would be like. However, if I did, I would suggest peddling as if you were being chased by a dinosaur in heat. As you can see, I am a firm believer in providing a clear mental picture.
As teenagers, my friends and I went driving around the nearby lake or to a neighboring town just get out of the house. Since we didn’t have the privacy cell phones offer, driving around with a friend gave us the opportunity to talk without fear of being overheard. The biggest thing was that it made us feel free and often was the stage for many in-depth conversations and good laughs.
My best friend and I were just aimlessly driving around the other day when a song on Spotify. The song sounded like it was starting and stopping. I told her it sounds like a cassette tape just before the ribbon catches and the tape gets eaten. Mid-sentence I realized I was dating myself all over again. Pfft!
Share some of your favorite memories that date you. I say own it! So what if it seems like you graduated only ten years ago or less, when actually for me, it is 26 years ago today.
You can follow me on Instagram @sweetsnsnarks